Positive Grandparenting

They are angry and bitter and seem to be using the children as the battleground.

Q. I have a great relationship with my grandchildren and am proud
of the way my daughter and her husband have parented them. I do
worry, however, that they do too much. My daughter is driving the kids
to various activities most nights of the week until 8 p.m. to and several
activities on the weekend. It just seems like they are overdoing it.
A. Children today have a wide variety of extracurricular activities to
choose from…Scouting, athletics, art, music, dance, and church groups,
to name a few. These activities foster a sense of belonging and teamwork,
help keep children physically active, develop talents and interests they
can utilize throughout their lives, and help with cognitive and moral
development.
Many parents feel that being a good parent means getting the children
into as many of these activities as possible, but, like most things in life,
there needs to be some balance. Children also need “down time” where
they can relax and entertain themselves. The ability to sit quietly and
reflect is an important part of mental and spiritual health, and should
not be overlooked.
Q. My son and daughter-in-law are going through a divorce.
They are so angry and bitter, and seem to be using the children as the
“battleground”. I want to help in some way, but I just don’t know what
to say.
A. Unfortunately, when many couples divorce, anger seems to be the
predominant emotion, and they go out of their way to inflict emotional
pain on each other. When children are involved, they may be used as
pawns in this battle. Children have a part of both parents in them. When
a parent says something negative about the other parent, they are saying
this about the child…and it hurts. Hold your tongue in front of the
children.
All the children need to know about the divorce is that mom and dad
just can’t get along and were not making each other happy anymore.
Also, the children need a lot of reassurance that it is not their fault that
the parents are divorcing. The children need to be reassured that both
parents still love them, and that they will be taken care of.
Until the parents can interact with each other in a calm and civil
manner, their interactions should be kept at a minimum. Always base
decisions about custody on what’s best for the children, not what would
hurt the other parent the most.
Q. My 10-year-old grandson argues with his parents, constantly teases
his younger sister, and throws tantrums if he doesn’t get what he wants. I
may be from the “old school”, but he seems to just need a good “swat”.

A. Children are born with a variety of temperaments. Some are
easygoing and compliant, and at the other end of the spectrum, there
are children who have temperaments that are more difficult. In clinical
practice I often see children in the same family with very different
temperaments, even though they have the same parents and have been
raised the same. Discipline techniques that work with most children are
quite ineffective with the more oppositional and defiant child. These
children are constantly seeking to “push the parents’ buttons” and enter
into power struggles with them. The usual discipline (to include a “swat”),
only further escalate the situation and can often lead to unintended
abuse. Fortunately there are specialized behavioral interventions to deal
with these difficult behaviors. Many books are available on children with
Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and any good child mental health clinic
can be of assistance.

♥ Such children crave the “power struggle”. Once you are irritated
and arguing with them, you are no longer effective. Walk away and come
back later when you are calm.
♥ Choose your battles, ignoring many behaviors which are intended
to irritate you and draw you into an argument or power struggle. By not
responding to these behaviors, eventually they will decrease in frequency.
♥ Give the child a choice; “You can use the computer as soon as you
finish cleaning your room. If you choose not to clean your room, you
have no computer time today”. You may repeat this line, but do not be
tempted into an argument, which may lead you astray from the issue.
♥ Keep consequences short. At most the rest of the day for no
computer/TV time. Longer consequences just leads to despair, and the
child will revert back to his original behaviors.

Some of these behavioral principles seem to go against our parental
instincts, however, our normal parental instincts are what give these
behaviors power. Unfortunately, these behaviors take a lot of consistence
and persistence to change, however, if these behaviors are not dealt with,
they will become a part of your children’s personality, and cause them a
great deal of conflict in their relationships in the future. ■

Child Psychiatrist, Doctor Bridget Buck is the retired Clinical
Director of Blank Psychiatry and Counseling at Blank Children’s
Hospital in Des Moines and was an inspirational influence
in the founding of 50 & Better.

Had this been an actual emergency...

The civil defense siren was right outside our classroom window, at the top of a telephone-type pole--the wooden, creosote-soaked kind, like a round 30-foot tall railroad tie. The siren stood silent every day of the month. Except one day. The first Wednesday, at 11am, that siren would go off, proving that it's ready to warn us of incoming Kansas tornadoes, or worse.

Of course, in first grade, I had no idea what was about to happen. Or what could be worse. The first time ever, in early September, with the classroom windows open (of course, there was no air conditioning then---didn't have it, didn't miss it, didn't need it) the breeze drifted through and the nudged the American flag at the front of the room. I was partially transfixed, watching the flag waft in the last breath of summer. I wondered what Mom was doing. I was already fully capable of drifting away from classwork when I barely knew what classwork was. I was just getting used to a full day at school. None of this afternoon-only kindergarten. This was Mrs. Ballard's first grade class.

Not fully aware of the time, as clock-reading hadn't registered with me yet, I reasoned it must be almost time for lunch. Almost time to crack into my school bus shaped lunch box and see what Mom had poured into my thermos for me. Would it be milk, or Hawaiian Punch or...holy cow what is that sound?

It started low, and odd. It rapidly grew louder and rose in pitch. The sound twisted and erupted like I did when I was discovering what it was to vomit last winter. Only louder. Much louder. Two notes, or more, cringe-inducing, distance-splitting, deafening dissonance that was even loud at Macy's. And Macy's wasn't close to my school.

That pole with the two round fans of funnels on top of it was one narrow alleyway away from the open window. My open window. And those funnels were howling, screaming. Not moving, just screaming. The windows, buzzing. My hands, shaking. The flag, wafting. And my eyeballs must have been bulging.

Mrs. Ballard's mouth was moving but no one could hear a word she said. Turns out she was assuring the class that it was "just a drill." What's a drill?  And why are we all standing up and moving toward the classroom door?

I apparently had wafted off myself whenever Mrs. Ballard was instructing us what was coming. That sometime soon, that siren would go off; and then we'd calmly, quietly line up and walk out the door toward the "gym" in the school basement. That's what was finally happening. And being a reasonably receptive if not attentive first grader, I gathered myself--amid the non-stopping noise of the civil defense siren--and marched with my classmates to the hardened windowless basement shelter.

After that, I quickly learned how to tell time. And read a calendar. The next first Wednesday, my stomach hurt as I tied my shoes before school. ( I also learned to tie my shoes.) I confirmed with my mom that today is the first Wednesday.  She said yes, and why. I told her I needed to stay home today. "I'm sick." She didn't believe me. She ushered me out the door into the brilliant October morning, to defeat my fear and never again be surprised by the siren on that pole.